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Hello my friends, it's so very good to be back among you all.
I want to thank each and every one of you for the wonderful thoughts, prayers, energy and support that so many of you have sent to me. I truly believe it helped me a lot. The early pathology report is saying it's not cancer which is opposite to the test results I done prior to the surgery. So Yea!!!
Birdie and Rat took wonderful care of me and I'll be forever in their debt as they set with me at the hospital even though both of them had to work the next day. Birdie spent the evening until midnight in a hart and uncomfortable chair in a room where the airconditioning was broken so it was hot and that made me sick so I was throwing up either from it or the meds or both. :) She stuck it out though, then Rat came in at midnight and spent the rest of the night with me. Still in a hot room and fussing at the nurses to at least get a fan for the room she finally fetches it herself. Spent the night there watching X-files and me. Since she really hates medical stuff, it was more than good of her. Love you both my wonderful sisters.
I'm home now and on some very good pain meds so my times of lucidity are not that often. lol So I'm writing this quickly in case I fall asleep again. I get the final pathology test results back on Tuesday when they take out the drainage tube and stitches. Sounds icky and looks pretty ugly too but that's okay it'll heal up.
I'm going get off here now and go back to sleep. Night everyone.
Tomorrows my big day and I'm feeling weird if you want to know the truth. Part of me is scared shitless as I've really never had anything like this surgery done before, nothing but outpatient stuff.
Never had to stay there overnight on their drugs. Which is for me another problem, I'm a major control freak and hate the thought of anyone having control over what I'm taking and when but they will have it.
I know all the logical reasons why this is stupid but you cannot reason with irrational fears. You just have to push past them. I'll do it but I won't like it.
Been trying to keep busy and let my mind find other things to keep it occupied tonight. Friends have been sending me lovely jokes, well wishes, prayers and just letting me know they are out there in VR land if I want to talk. You folks are really something special, I don't care how weird it sounds to say that about people you meet online.
Rat left me a beautiful message on her journal then knocked me off my chair with a funny. Oh I know exactly who the monkey is! Oh Birdie!!!
Chordewa has sent me a great funny about a nun (I'm going to be in a catholic hospital) That's going to be a snicker all day long. Thanks sugar.
The parts of me that are not scared are all torn up with joy that it will soon be over, worry about taking care of business when I get back home. Worry that I cannot convince my Mom to stay home where she's comfortable until I get back. She's got emphysema and on oxygen, not real good for her to go to the hospital just for a brief visit.
I've told her we can talk on the phone as soon as I'm awake but I fear she'll still try to get up there. While the child in me things Oh yes, Mom's here the adult know that I won't really be feeling up to taking care of her if she catches something by coming up to the hospital where all the dang sick folks hang out. I've done all I can do I'll just have to cross my fingers.
This surgery should be pretty easy since they just have to cut my throat. Sounds odd doesn't it, but that's what they showed me. It also has excellent survival rates. But since I have a few other health conditions that could throw a spanner into the works I realized I needed to have my life insurance stuff where my sister or family can find it easily. But when I tried to tell her where to find it, they won't listen, refuse to even consider it and get downright mad at me for thinking about it.
I'm not thinking it's going to happen and hell no I'm not ready for it to happen but I know very well that none of that means anything after I'm on that table. A heart attack or stroke could hit and that's all she wrote. So I don't think it's unreasonable to be prepared. It's not like I've given them funeral arrangements or anything like that, I don't give a crap about funerals other than it must be closed casket and they already know that. I hate the phoney look they too often put on friends and family that have gone on. Screw that, I dislike makeup in real life I sure don't want my remains turning to dust with a trowl load of that stuff on me. :)
But whatever, I've left a note on my desk telling them where to find my stuff, hopefully that'll take care of it. Even better that I come home Friday night and tear the stupid thing up myself.
I should probably end this now as I'll end up getting weirder as I go on. It's probably pretty long already. Doubtful that anyone actually reads this crap anyway so what does it matter.
The good news of the week is my new neice was born healthy and lovely and is now home with her parents. My brother and I were also able to talk without my Mom sticking her oar in and he now knows that I won't be able to babysit. I feel a lot of guilt about that but truthfully I held Abby for about 30 minutes today and it was very painful. I don't know how long I'll have to wait before we can even start doing something about the 2 discs in my neck that are screwed up. But toting a baby around for 9-10 hours a day isn't possible, for me. At least I was able to tell him the truth and let him come to his own conclusions which avoided the huge family fuss I was expecting. Jim's the most violatile member of my family, so whewww!
I have the greatest friends in the world. Truly they should have been born my sisters as we fit as well as if we were. Even the nutty stuff. lol
We got together at Rat's house and she fixed a great dinner for us (well except for the green beans and for once I don't know how the hell to explain what she did to them- she said she was trying frozen but they looked like they come in a fancy restaurant. Uneatable!) But the rest was as usual delicious and the beans provided the comic relief.
Then my dears did a healing ritual with me and lent me some courage for this weeks deal. I'm trying to stay strong but my knees start knocking every now and again. It was a beautiful ritual and very meaningful. But thank the goddess our senses of humor have not been lost either. IT wasnt' long before we relaxed and our conversation turned to our lives, loves, work and dreams.
As usual the conversation takes 90 degree turns ever 3 seconds so I often get left behind and then half the fun is me figuring out what the heck we're talking about now. The third leg comment went right over my head until they began teasing me for blushing. I have no ideal if I was red faced or not but that wouldn't have been the reason as I didn't even hear their conversation about it, I was writing something down.
Then the conversation moves onto questions about bdsm of which two of us are complete innocents and a bit weirded out by it. But questions still fly about until the comment of "tied, gagged and on your knees in 10 minutes" hits the air. Oh that stops the flow real quick. Both of us look at each other Rat's a bit ticked off and I'm laughing. Either one it was tried on would have a real problem afterwards is what we agreed on. Then the multiple orgasm comment hit the floor along with my jaw. Okay I'm way too old or young either one you choose for this conversation. lol
Then we discussed anger management issues and discovered we're all completely different there too. Rat, well if she's mad everyone knows it anywhere in her vicinity as she projects anger better than anything 3m ever built. Birdie well you have to tease her out of her mad spells but she's not too hard to do that with. Then they get quiet and I had to ask, well what do you do when I get mad? I should have know better, shouldn't I? lol First I get, you bury it. Okay that's true. I like my shovel and won't give it up. So of course they discussed just how big the explosion is going to be one of these days and the innards that will be splashed all over them. :) Then Rat probably came up with the truest defination of my anger ever given. I get quiet and stay that way for a bit before striking out sarcastically at the person that I'm angry at, then I get over it. Yep, Rat is an observant little sucker as I really didn't think it showed that much. I dislike getting angry and will resist it for as long as possible but get me there and it's hard to hide completely, I guess. But I don't hold grudges at least.
Anyway it was a wonderful night and I couldn't love them anymore if they were blood of my blood. Probably would be less as my bunch of family tend to be fruitcakes that piss me off a lot. My friends on the other hand keep me happy.
To all those out there that don't think the Dominars are good folk or willing to help if you ask. Read this! THANK YOU CountessMoon!!!
I, along with others have been complaining about the quality of threads in the General Discussion yet never having started any there I felt I was doing a disservice to those who were at least trying.
So I decided to start reading a bunch of stuff on the internet while I had my handy notebook ready in case a decent thread question came to mind. I had actually read something on a site and moved on to several more still not finding anything that suited me.
It wasn't until several hours later that I realized I was still pondering about some of the stuff I had read even though it was just a small part of the actual article I read. But it indicated that Vampires or those living as such were more violent than other groups.
The more I thought about this the less comfortable I was with that blanket statement and then realized I had my first true forum question. So being the anal retentive type I am I typed it out very carefully on word then walked away and came back and re-read it to make sure it didn't sound stupid or read wrong, it didn't to me.
Then I did what may be unusual but CountessMoon was online and I sent her a request to look over it and verify for me that it was a suitable question for the Gen. Discussion and not perhaps better suited to being a poll or something like that.
Now I know she has a reputation here as being tough as nails *I'm comfortable with that* but I believe her to also be a fair person. I stated in my message if she was to busy to completly ignore me and I'd realize she didn't have the time. But instead I got a reply from her very quickly saying it sounded like a good question and even suggesting I link the article I had read from.
Thus began a fruitless search back through lots of odd sites and yet I didn't find the one odd step that took me to that particular article again. Damn it! I'd promise to do better but I had no ideal I'd stumbled across something to start with (insert V8 commerical smack here)
The thread was posted and while there were a few odd one liners of the you'll always have violence type for the most part people gave me decent responses. Then CountessMoon herself posted and pointed out things that hadn't even occurred to me about it. She's smart folks do not underestimate her, ever!
Since then the thread is moving slowly but there have been a few more great posts to it, a newer member InfernalImage posted what I thought to be a brilliant response. Then on it's heels Stabb666 responded to his with an even deeper response, the kind that makes you sit back and really contemplate things. Then a few more came in with good responses. Some kind moderator out there has been keeping the one-line thrash to a minimum and I thank them most kindly for it.
Strangely I have felt almost maternal about this little question thread. lol How silly is that? But I must admit I'm enjoying the wide array of responses and quite surprised by some of them too. It's a lot of fun actually. I'm learning some things I didn't know about those living as vampires. I believe my own questions of that stupid statement have been justified and found correct.
I'm not recommending everyone vet their threads through the Dominars, that would be an impossible task. That was my own paranoia putting me up to that. I just wanted people to understand that the moderators are not the "Bad Guys" of VR. Treat them with respect and dignity and most likley they will return the favor.
I hear this and think that maybe whoever wrote it somehow managed to sneak into that dark hidden corner of my mind that I thought only I had access to yet here it is for the world to hear.
Caught part of the local news and a Goodwill store on Friday the 13th sold a doll in a box to a woman for under 10 dollars. The lady who bought it carried it out to her car where she opened it up and then rushed back into the store.
Seems there was a 1000 dollar Savings Bond inside the box and while the purchaser could have claimed it and cashed it in without anyone knowing she didn't.
She returned it to the store and the clerks there contacted the local police who are using the name, address and social security number printed on it to track down the owner.
Nice when you think there are no good folks left in the world, one shows up somewhere. Whoever that lady that returned it was, I hope some really good Karma is coming her way. She certaintly deserves it.
Saw the surgeon and he went over the details of the surgery and discussed how it will go with me then my sister asked him about the actual size of the thing and he checked the lab reports then showed her and it's about the size of a large jaw breaker. Well no wonder I'm always choking and clearing my throat. lol
He only performs this proceedure on Thursday afternoons and this week is booked so I'm next Thursday's 12 noon. A 2 hour operation and 1 night in the hospital. Not bad but then my local hospital has the nickname of "murdermount" since it's name is Marymount and it had a serial killer as a nurse/orderly working there some years back. He confessed after a dozen or so deaths there and other places he worked.
Boy don't you remember funny things when your really don't need to remember them. :) I would have just as soon got it done this week and been finished with it but another week of waiting and then a few days for the pathology report and the waiting will be done with for this part of it all. I don't know why but when I have something unpleasant to face or do, I want to get it over with right away. No use dragging it out, make your plan and execute it. Well that's how I like to operate anyway. lol
The good news is my newest neice should arrive by Friday as my sister in law says they plan to induce labor this Wed. It'll be good to get to hold a newborn again. Then even better to hand her back. :) The new parents are supposed to stay here for a few days so I'll probably see the baby, ooo and ahhh and grap a sweet cuddle then make myself scarce. I've been wanting to go play with my camera some this might be the right weekend to give it a shot.
I see the Rat is threatening me to get to bed like a lack of sleep will keep me from a good roleplay. Tea baby, lots of tea! lol I can't wait either especially as this will be the last chance for me for a bit, I expect.
Was reading Cancer's Journal, I don't know how he can open his messages from the looks of some of them. Must have a hell of a sense of humor is all I can figure. I'd have said he drinks a lot but his journal says he's trying to get in shape so I'm guessing no alcohol. But heavens to betsy, some of those messages are just plain scary they are so off the wall weird. I always thought I was a bit odd but compared to those poor folks I'm a rocket scientist.
Got thorough the Cardiologist apt today and yep did the ekg and then the stress test but the good news was that since I'd lost so much weight since the last time I was there I got to use the treadmill again instead of the chemical test. I still got the IV and the radioactive stuff but instead of that bag of drugs to make your heart race like you're in the Kenucky derby, while you're laying on a gurney, I got to run on a treadmill going up hill till I nearly passed out. :)
Okay you think that's nuts but hey that's improvement and I'm happy with it. Plus those drugs usually leave me feeling crappy for several days and they blow 2 or 3 veins with them so I look like a pin cushion afterwards. Yipee just one hole this time! Doc went over the results and gave me the approval for the surgery. Only took 4 hours, what a way to blow a day. But it's done and now won't be a hold up to scheduling the surgery next week.
Okay Rat I'm done and going to bed now, I've got a book I want to read anyway. :)
I remember watching the Jackie Gleason show as a kid and no not the Honeymooners, well except in reruns. I'm talking about his variety show. Those used to be on television instead of reality tv where people with personalities came out and entertained a studio audience and the tv one too and had interesting and talented guests on the shows. Too bad they have gone the way of the dinosaur. But I remember Gleason had a line that said "and away we go"
That's about how I'm feeling right now, go early in the morning to my cardiologist to get the stuff done for him to grant me surgical approval. Probably just an ekg and a stress test. Time consuming but not a problem. Then Monday finally the surgeon goes over the proceedure with me and we schedule it for sometime next week.
In the meantime, planned to get in a fun day of roleplay on Saturday that is now being threatened by my sister in law possibly having their baby girl then. She's due any day with the 19th being scheduled for induced labor if she's not already had her. Since it's their first baby they want the family there, I'm kinda why me? I have no kids, no experience with pregnancy and to be honest I don't want to know. I chose to not go that route in life, okay!
But they are both a bit scared and my sister, who does have 2 kids has promised to be in the room with her, which lets me out of that one. Oh yea as long as it's a time when she can be there. Then my brother has asked that they come here for 2 or 3 nights with the baby since neither one of them know crap about a newborn. We have the room and I've got one fixed up for them just fine but I do have some concerns. Mom's not physically able to handle it and I'm friggin useless right now with anything important like the care and feeding schedule of a newborn. Carol will be fine I think unless something goes wrong otherwise this is all pretty moot. But I've managed to find so many things to worry about lately.
Now I've just found out that my brother still thinks I'm somehow going to be able to babysit for them, even though I've told him it's not possible. Especially with my immediate future. Carol's a teacher and school starts back in a month so there's no way I'll be ready by then even if I could be. I'm going to have to do the talk again and this time be very blunt. Problem is this is my touchy brother, I love him but dang near anything sets him off like a chinese rocket. Mom's already dealing with so much that a big blow up between him and I could really damage her. I just don't know any other way to deal with it though. I've tried avoidance, I've tried polite, I've even had my sister mention to him that I'm no good for it but it's just not getting through. Looks like it's time for the club up side the head. I so dread this kind of shit, strangers no problem but when it's your family or friends it's so hard to open up wounds.
I always heard this song done by a Canadian group called Klaatu but it was hard to find their version so I settled for the Carpenters. I shouldn't have- Bad girl gets no cookie.
Here's what it should sound Like-
Many thanks to my friend KCRC who helped me realize I was misspelling their name! lol
I did it! I must be getting better at the mean looks because my Aunt from MI came in and she's one of these ones who uses her religion as a social baseball bat to knock everyone else around with. Today I was firmly in her batting box and she came in determined to put me straight about how I needed to "get right with god" before the worst happens. She didn't bother to ask if I was "wrong with him to begin with". Goddess bless my mother who heard some of that shit before I got fully dressed and out of my room to head them off. They never call before coming, guess they know we'd leave then.
Anyway I finally grab my jeans and a tshirt and get out of the room still stomping my feet into my tennis shoes. I start down the hallway to the living room and she and her husband are sitting there where they can see my face as I'm coming and before she can even get her mouth open her husband for the first time ever, told her to leave it alone. Like I wasn't aware of what she intended but since Mom was sitting there pleading with her eyes for me to keep the peace I kept my mouth shut and just nodded hello picked up the telephone and a glass of tea and headed back to my room.
Later my Mom told me she then pretended that she wasn't even aware I was ill or having surgery. lol
It's like this, I don't just believe in God I know for a absolute fact in the existance of a higher power, no question by whatever name you want to call it or sex or whatever. I've felt it's touch, I've had my life saved by it and I trust that when the time comes the final choice of when I die will be made by it and not me.
What upsets me is people like her who I know do not live their beliefs mouthing off that stuff to me. There are real people here on VR and in my life praying for me in different faiths that I do appreciate and it gives me comfort. Even the surgeon I have will hold prayer in the operating room before I'm put under. I consider myself Wiccan, does it bother me? NO prayer is as a magic spell to me, it's about the power of asking the creator for help. I expect a visit from the state police Chaplin while I'm in the hospital who will pray with me, he's baptist. Will I refuse? No for 2 reasons, 1 he's my friend and I respect his beliefs and 2 again prayer is magic.
It's the meaning and the heart behind it that matters. The ones doing it for face value just piss me off. I like my angry face, I have to keep working on that. :)
This was probably one of the weirdest songs from the 80's but every time I hear it I still can't help but tap my feet or dance. I just don't get it but if you can explain it it's worth a cookie!
Some years back I survived a murder attempt and learned then to appreciate every moment I have been given. Not long after that a song came out that said it all. Recent events in my life have forced me to revisit those times and again I find this song still works.
I should point out that I consider this song an affirmation of life. It's too bad that we often wait until it's too late to realize the truly important things, friends, family and the beauty around us. Doesn't hurt that he's darn good looking and barefoot to boot!
It's took me almost 2 hours but I finally figured out how to resize my pictures. When I put my portfolio back up from the update back when all my pictures when to thumbnail sized ones. I am not a photo editor and so it's taken me a while to figure out how to do it but finally tonight I made myself learn how. Now it's done and they're all fixed and I even added some new ones too. I like the look of it. Added comments and a pretty font to it too. :)
It's hard to believe I've been on here a year now but with the amount of time I have to kill and the pages viewed according to this I guess I really should get out more. lol But I enjoy myself here, so many interesting things to read and learn about it's hard to walk away. Anyway I thought this number was appropriate as our House is fast approaching it in Favor too.
Your Status: Sire (Level 28)
You have completed 100% of this level.
Pages Viewed Score: 29 x .30 = 8.7
Time Spent Score: 29 x .50 = 14.5
Ratings Score: 28 x .10 = 2.8
Posts Score: 25 x .10 = 2.5
Score: 28.5
Referral Points: 16
Referral Modifier: 1.002
Mark Bonus: 15%
Mark Modifier: 1.15
Total Score: 28.56
Ratings Score: 28 ( 15157 of 12401 or 100% )
I am way behind on ratings as you can see almost 2 weeks worth now. I don't worry about posts, when I play in the sandbox I do so for the fun of it. When I post in the Gen Discussion I do it because I want to talk about the topic.
Standing before an army of thousands with only a handful of comrades and knowing you will surely die but that your fight is right and your blood will pay a debt?
Is this insane? Is it suicidal? Or is it a result of too many years of lies and hidden agendas? No longer able to believe that right is right and wrong is wrong we face each day with the knowledge that come tomorrow we may have become angels or demons.
Today's a good day for me, it's my anniversary on the Rave 1 whole year and thank you so much VW39 for showing me this site and hangman, you knew I'd be hooked on that game. Thanks to everyone here who has made me so welcome and challenged my mind in so many different ways. I owe my sanity to you, there's no doubt.
Had a wonderful night last night, played Vampire the Masquerade until nearly 2am then Rat drove us home we got in about 3:30 am and it was so worth it. The game was a blast but I'm so confused for the first time in the decade we've been playing together I'm the one ready to fight and take chances without thinking everything through and now all of a sudden the others, that I used to drive to distraction with my ways are now thinking through everything even to the philopsy of should a vampire be allowed to live?
Birdie has been awol from the games and I'm struggling since I'm the favorite target of our "evil" gamemistress. Yes it's a woman, she's great degrees in journalism and history with a full boat of imagination. Every game is a wild ride. But if Birdie don't get her Malkavian ass back soon and take some of the pressure off me I'm going to get my Toreador head cut off. Rat's the Brujah as you can guess. She plays a great one too. Me I can go either way Toreador or Gangrel but Birdie is straight up Malkavian! That's frightening in itself.
But she's finally back home and I got to talk to her this morning and the job interview is for tomorrow, I'm crossing everything I got sis. Hopefully I'll see them both tomorrow night. Get to show her my 1 fang vampire hole in my neck. Rat's been so good such a trooper taking care of me with all the medical stuff and she's got such a weak stomach! Me, I've eat a chili dog while looking at autopsy pictures and not blinked but she's not that way. Bless her sweet heart she turned green a few times but stuck it out. I love you sis.
Now I'm trying to dig out my bedroom for I'm being told I'll be spending 2 weeks at the least in isolation after the radiation treatments, no visitors, no kids, no Mom just me. My bedroom is okay if since I have an attached bath but not if I don't clear it out a lot. I just toss things down, sleep here and change clothes before leaving. The thoughts of spending 2 weeks shut up in this room without is down to minimal is unbearable. So Goodwill is going to get a boon this week I'm getting rid of everything that doesn't have a place or I haven't used in months. I need room for my books and music and movies and computer stuff, that's what will get me through the isolation. Isn't that a scary word? lol
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